The way a person with dementia relates to the world is different from the way you and I see, hear, smell, taste, or touch it. As a result, their world is becoming unfamiliar. They remember feelings—good or bad, not what happened five minutes ago. Additionally, when something is sending them into a crisis, like a mirror, using distraction techniques can help you calm them down. For it to work, you have to enter their reality. Let’s take a look at mirrors and dementia.
What Does Dementia Feel Like?
Next, imagine someone asks you to sit down in their family room, but you don’t see the chair because everything in the room is the same color. Where do you sit? You are hungry and want a snack, and someone hands you a protein bar in a wrapper. It doesn’t look like a candy bar, what is it? What about sitting in a restaurant with your family and becoming overwhelmed by the sounds because you’ve lost the ability to ignore background noises like loud voices, clinking silverware, kitchen noise, a breaking glass, music, text message pings? What about smell? You smell your grandmother’s apple pie baking in the kitchen, but where is the kitchen and where is Nana? What if you put change in your pants pocket and five minutes later you don’t even know what you are feeling against your leg?
With that in mind, what if you looked in the mirror and an old man or woman stared back at you, mimicking everything you do? How would you feel? Creeped out? Afraid? Angry?
Let’s Step Into Your Loved One’s Shoes
Equally important, you never know what someone with dementia is going through until you walk a mile in their shoes—in this case with mirrors and dementia. Let’s take a short walk together with Anita after she moved in with her son’s family.
Anita’s son, Jared, walked into her room Saturday morning. Tears rolled down Anita’s soft, wrinkled cheeks. Her arms were wrapped around her waist. She rocked back and forth on the end of her bed. A sob escaped her lips.
Jared rushed to his mother’s side, taking her right hand in his, “Mom, what’s the matter?” He asked.
“There’s someone watching me outside my window.” Anita pointed toward the mirror above her dresser. She choked down another sob. “She won’t go away no matter what I do.”
“Mom, don’t be ridiculous, that’s you in the mirror,” Jared said. “Come on, I’ll show you.” Jared put his arm around his mother’s shoulders.
She pushed him away. Shaking, her voice terse, she said, “Jared, I’m telling you there’s a stranger outside my window. Why won’t you believe me?”
In this instance, Jared didn’t understand his mother no longer recognized herself in the mirror. What is Anita going to remember—the anger, fear, and frustration her son caused. In other words, who will have a tougher day with a combative family member? Jared.
Try This Instead
Let’s look at this another way, her fear is real, it is her reality. In light of this, the way to help her would be to enter her reality and walk her through to a place where she feels safe. Unlike the previous example, what could Jared do differently to calm his mother’s fears the next time this happened? He could walk in her shoes:
“There’s someone watching me outside my window.” Anita pointed toward the mirror above her dresser. She choked down another sob. “She won’t go away no matter what I do.”
Mom, I’ll handle this.” Jared put his arm around his mother’s shoulder. “Let’s get you into a room where she can’t see you and I will send her away.”
Jared walked his mother into the kitchen where his wife was making breakfast. “Honey, someone is peeping into Mom’s room. Can you stay with her while I take care of it?”
His wife nodded to Jared. She smiled at Anita. “Anita, would you like a glass of orange juice?”
Jared walked back into Anita’s room and removed the mirror from the wall. He took the mirror to the garage. He wrapped it up for storage and put it in the attic.
When he walked back into the kitchen, Anita put down her juice glass. Her voice quivered, “Is she gone?”
Jared smiled. “Mom, she won’t ever come back. When you’re ready I’ll walk you back to your bedroom. I want to make sure you’re safe.”
Anita’s shoulders relaxed. She smiled.
By the same token, does it matter that it was not real? Not in the least. What Anita will remember is not what Jared did, but the good feelings that he believed her, loved her, and supported her. Who is going to have a better day? Anita and Jared. Looking for more ideas on how to calm your loved one, try these ten-steps.
Why Does This Happen?
In short, why does this happen? Firstly, as dementia progresses to the moderate stage, short-term memory is lost. Secondly, this causes a shift in reality because older memories last longer and newer memories fade, coupled with the person with dementia believes they are younger than they really are and do not recognize themselves in the mirror. Thirdly, figuring out where they are in their world will make it easier for you to care for them in yours.
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Tracy Cram Perkins is a dementia caregiving survivor and blogger. Her twelve-plus-years of experience caregiving for two parents with dementia provided the nucleus of Dementia Home Care: How to Prepare Before, During, and After. She experienced the depression, anxiety, and guilt which comes with dementia care and recognized each person’s journey with dementia follows a different path. This guide grew from the questions presented by family members and friends overwhelmed by caregiving challenges and the frustration of not being able to find caregivers hands-on answers in one book.
Tracy believes that the sound of our laughter and the memories we create with others are the most important things we leave behind. She believes laughter is an important part of the caregiving equation.
According to Tracy, the Surgeon General’s warning for laughter could read, “Warning, laughter produces chemicals known to the State of California to be cathartic and to make you feel better. Other states of mind may follow.”