How to Help a Loved One with Alzheimer’s Disease or Dementia Process a Death

Please welcome guest blogger Beverly Nelson, StandUpForCaregivers.org. In this post she discusses ways to help a loved one with dementia process a loved one’s death.

Alzheimer’s disease and dementia ravage the sufferer’s sense of self and ability to process and cope with the day-to-day situations of life and the myriad of emotions that naturally arise. Thus, when a truly devastating event takes place, such as the death of a spouse, the surviving senior’s caregivers can be at a loss as to how to, first, communicate the death in a way that is understood and, second, help their senior loved one properly undergo the process of grieving and letting go.

For the caregivers, real world matters also get in the way. This could be reaching family consensus on funeral details, going over the will and other legal documents, handling life insurance duties, etc. It’s also possible that as a vital person in the life of the deceased, only the surviving partner may be privy to important details regarding all these arrangements.

Time and time again, family caregivers report on the hard emotional frustrations they feel when navigating these choppy waters, both in dealing with their afflicted loved one during the time of loss, and their own emotions as they grieve the death of the newly passed. It’s a rocky road for sure. While there are pages and pages that can be written on this topic alone, you have to start somewhere.

Advice On How to Proceed

Patience is key in this difficult time. Remind yourself that the experience of bereavement and grief is unique to every mourner, regardless of their state of mind. Prepare yourself for the unexpected, whether good or bad, as the surviving senior struggles to process the news of the death and cope with the lost presence of the loved one.

How the surviving senior will handle the news will vary greatly on how far their disease has progressed. Seniors in the first stages of Alzheimer’s Disease or dementia may understand and retain the information of the loss better, forgetting the memory of the death only occasionally.

Seniors in the later stages of Alzheimer’s or dementia, however, may be temporarily impressed with only a shallow, superficial understanding of what happened, and, for long periods, may continue talking as if the deceased is still alive.

Caregiver Approaches to Communicating the Death

Some family caregivers settle into a pattern of repeatedly reminding their loved one of the death in the hope the news will settle into the senior’s mind permanently. Others refrain from the constant repetition and may only correct their senior loved one occasionally.

Experts are torn on how best to handle the difficult situation but generally agree that the affiliated senior’s cognitive status, previous conversations and behaviors, and personality should be taken into account by the individual’s family upon deciding how to address the problem.

The same experts note that the afflicted may exhibit symptoms of bereavement and grief despite seemingly not grasping the loss. Frequently, these people are able to speak of the loss during moments of lucidity, yet ask for the deceased loved one at other times while in the midst of a dementia fog.

Two Tips in Helping the Afflicted Process the Grief

Offer a Place in the Rituals of Death

Experts say that once the news of the loved one’s death has been communicated, it is important to have the afflicted widow/widower visit the funeral home, privately, rather than in a group setting. Attending the burial or traveling a great distance to attend the funeral is not advised. It is ethical to give them an opportunity to say their goodbyes, whether aware of the significance of the event or not.

Help Them Reminisce

Following the funeral, help your loved one reminisce about the deceased. It helps their grieving process to talk about memories while looking at photos of the recently passed. They may have problems verbalizing their mourning, so ask questions about specific memories to help them get involved in the emotion of remembering.

Facing the Death as a Family

Validating the emotions of a surviving senior, despite their unawareness of the source of their emotions, will greatly help them process their grief. As a caregiver, witnessing these motions of grieving will help you and the family better cope with the loss together as a family unit, rather than as pained bystanders to a widow/er with dementia who is confused over what happened.

As difficult as it is to manage this time, it also helps to find ways to memorialize the deceased beyond the funeral. Consider dedicating a bench, a brick or a sign to their favorite park or zoo. You can even start a nonprofit in their honor as a way to keep their memory alive.

There’s a lot to think about right now, namely helping your widowed loved one manage their new situation. There will be ups and downs, and the adjustment period will be rocky. But this too shall pass, and soon enough life will almost, eventually feel normal again.

For more support information, check out Tracy’s resources page.

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Beverly Nelson created StandUpForCaregivers.org, which aims to protect and advocate for the health and well-being of adult caregivers. Her goal is to build the website into an online community for caregivers.