How to Visit a Nursing Home

In the first place, when your loved one with dementia transitions to a skilled nursing facility (SNF), you will experience mixed emotions. Knowing how to visit a nursing home helps you and your loved one. Keep in mind, patients who have family members that visit regularly get better care. Secondly, you do not have to visit every day. Therefore, set a workable schedule so you can also manage your home life and work life. Thirdly, make sure the visit does not conflict with “activity time” at the SNF.

Likewise, you don’t have to stay for long periods. It’s the quality of the visit not the length that matters most. Going to where he is emotionally will help with your visit. Train yourself not to ask questions that require short term memory such as how was your lunch? Or reminisce about long term memories that are no longer there.

The Art of Redirecting

At some point, your loved one will tell you he wants to go home. In his confusion, when you are telling him, “No, you live here now,” or “This is your home,” you will cause him to think you are lying. He will panic and try to escape. He only knows what he sees in front of him. In other words, you are not in his reality. Consequently, you will need to join him where he is.

With this in mind, this is where redirecting him comes in handy. Instead of correcting him, let him choose to stay. For example:

How about some lunch first?
I made dessert for you; would you like some dessert? If you bring a treat, bring some for the staff too. Very few people include the staff in their visits. They will be very appreciative and more supportive. (One of the unspoken secrets of the skilled care/assisted living staff: many of them work long hours, including days like Mother’s Day, for very little pay. They truly appreciate any flowers or treats you bring in for them—this is often reflected in better care for your loved one.)
Let’s get you dressed before you go.
I need your help with [insert activity here].
[Insert a name he would understand: his church, PTSA members, any organization he volunteered for that might make a free meal] made us [insert favorite meal]. It would be impolite for him to leave a free meal.
Ask him, “What is your favorite thing about home?” For example, he might not be feeling comfortable in his surroundings, and this may give you a clue what needs to be addressed.

Ways to Maintain Your Connection

Furthermore, there will come a time he will not recognize you or he may even act like he doesn’t want you there. Your visiting on a regular schedule will help him know on some level he still has value.

To that end, if you want to help him remember something, put a familiar object in his hand. Something he can see, touch, smell, taste, or hear. Items that will stimulate memory could be:

Something to eat like carrots, cheese, fruit, popcorn, crackers, cookies, candy, ice cream
Old post cards or photos
Old letters, photo albums
Baseball hats for men
A book of jokes, funny pictures
A keepsake box filled with trinkets
Something to play with like playing cards, bubbles to blow, squirt guns, silly putty and the Sunday comics, a plush toy, a soft beach ball, paper and color crayons
A favorite book to read together
Something to smell like strawberries, lilies, maple bars, a scented sachet
Something to listen to (please supply headphones): a radio show, favorite songs, recordings of their favorite person, sounds of nature. Bring whatever he enjoys

If you bring family heirlooms, do not leave them behind unless you are willing to “donate” them. Stuff wanders in memory care units. Understand that whatever you leave behind will make someone’s day, but it might not be your loved one.

The Best Kept Secret

On the other hand, you may feel uncomfortable visiting a SNF or facing other folks with dementia. Here’s a little secret on how to visit a nursing home, acknowledge the other residents as if they are your friends. Believe it or not, they soon will be. Bring a snack to share, it could be candy or fruit, or have a tea party, include the staff. (Check with the staff before serving a snack to everyone in case someone has food allergies or swallowing issues.) Share fond memories of your loved one with everyone there or sing a favorite song. People with dementia read your body language more than they understand your words. Your being there gives them moments of happiness and will give you some in return.

Don’t worry if a visit doesn’t go well. If you make a mistake, forgive yourself so you can move forward and put what you learn to good use. There are lots of do overs with dementia. The more you practice visiting, the better you will get at it, and the more fun everyone will have. Remember to laugh and have fun.

It’s important to realize that when it is time for you to end the visit, he may want to leave with you. In that case, tell him you have to go to work, meet with your tax accountant, or you have a dental appointment. Very few people will want to go to work, do taxes, or go the dentist with you. Or you can excuse yourself for a trip to the bathroom and just not come back. Use what works for you and do not feel guilty.

And teach the rest of your family how to visit too.

Should I Stay or Should I Go

Equally important to note, not everyone is emotionally equipped to visit a nursing home. That is okay. They can be depressing and often do not smell pleasant. For this reason, make sure other family members or friends are available to visit. Remind yourself that you did your best, and that doing your best is good enough. As a matter of fact, you can stay in touch with your loved one either by phone, video chat, or by mail—so you don’t lose the emotional connection. And if you write, your loved one will get the joy of receiving a card or letter. Never underestimate the power of the hand-written word.

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For more support information, check out my resources page.

Tracy Cram Perkins is a dementia caregiving survivor and blogger. Her twelve-plus-years of experience caregiving for two parents with dementia provided the nucleus of Dementia Home Care: How to Prepare Before, During, and After. She experienced the depression, anxiety, and guilt which comes with dementia care and recognized each person’s journey with dementia follows a different path. This guide grew from the questions presented by family members and friends overwhelmed by caregiving challenges and the frustration of not being able to find caregivers hands-on answers in one book.

Tracy believes that the sound of our laughter and the memories we create with others are the most important things we leave behind. She believes laughter is an important part of the caregiving equation.

According to Tracy, the Surgeon General’s warning for laughter could read, “Warning, laughter produces chemicals known to the State of California to be cathartic and to make you feel better. Other states of mind may follow.”