Rambling clothes and rambling object—one certainty with dementia and Alzheimer’s is that stuff will travel to locations unknown with the help of your loved one. The flip side is when they wear the same outfit everyday until it can stand up in the corner by itself. Let’s take a look at that scenario.
They Wear the Same Outfit Everyday, Good or Bad, It’s Hard to Say
There’s an ancient parable about a farmer who lost his horse.
His neighbors said, “Oh, that’s too bad.”
And the farmer said, “Good or bad, hard to say.”
Days later the horse returns and brings with it seven wild horses.
The neighbors came over and said, “Oh, that’s so good.”
And the farmer shrugged and said, “Good or bad, hard to say.”
The next day the farmer’s son rides one of the wild horses, is thrown off and breaks his leg.
And the neighbors said, “Oh, that’s terrible luck.”
And the farmer said, “Good or bad, hard to say.”
Eventually, officers come knocking on people’s doors looking for young, healthy men to draft for an army, and they see the farmer’s son and his leg, and they pass him by.
The neighbors said, “Oh, that’s great luck.”
And the farmer said, “Good or bad, hard to say.”
Let’s Step into Your Loved One’s Shoes
Let’s pretend you have Alzheimer’s Disease. You are standing in a room you don’t recognize (yet you have lived there for 40 years). You see your purse sitting on the dresser and pick it up. When you walk out of the room, a woman you don’t know yells at you for taking her purse and snatches it out of your hands. “That’s not your purse, Mom.” Yet you know your daughter is five and your son is seven years old, and now you are a little frightened and start feeling cold.
You walk down the hall and see your sweater draped over the back of a chair in the next room. You put it on. It feels so wonderful to be warm. When you walk out of the room another person comes up to you and says, “Grandma, that’s not your sweater,” and she takes your sweater. Why is this stranger stealing my sweater and calling me grandma?
Now you are frazzled and want to go home. You rattle the knob on the front door, but it won’t turn. A man comes up to you. He is smiling and he looks kind. You ask him, “Will you take me home? I live at 75 North Main.”
He says, “Dorothy, you live here now.”
You panic. “I’ve got to get out of here,” because it’s not Kansas anymore.
In other words, this is how your loved one feels when you correct them. Would they really take somebody else’s stuff if they knew it wasn’t theirs? Not likely. Would they be wearing somebody else’s clothing if they knew it wasn’t theirs? Again, not likely. What if they fixate on their favorite clothes and wear them six days in a row? If it is not soiled, will it hurt them? Not likely.
Self-Check
Moreover, it doesn’t matter how many times we correct our loved ones; they won’t be able to change back to who they were—one or more parts of their brain is dying. It is hard not to correct them when they wear the same outfit everyday. This is a very hard habit to break. So, before you correct them, take a deep breath and ask yourself these questions:
- Does it hurt you (yes you) physically if they wear the same clothes every day or wear your shirt, sweater or coat? (Not irritate you, when we do dementia care we are easily irritated.) If you answer truthfully, the answer is no.
- Does what they’re doing physically hurt anyone else in your home? Yes, it may smell, but does it hurt them? If the answer is no, let it go.
- Does it hurt your loved one if they wear the same clothes every day? Unless it is soiled or soaking wet, the answer is no.
- Does it matter that the clothing is inside out or backwards? Or that they wear multiple layers like two pairs of pants? That depends, is it restricting their ability to move freely? If yes, then offer to help them fix it, but don’t force it on them or they may become agitaged.
Why do they choose to wear the same outfit everyday? Because they like it. It makes them feel good in their shrinking universe. When you allow them to wear it, it maintains their dignity. Didn’t you enjoy picking out the clothes you are wearing today and the freedom to choose?
How Do I Guide Them to Change Their Clothes?
In this instance, when you need them to change outfits, and they aren’t cooperative, give them a reason they will understand even if it isn’t true. For example, say “Company is coming over, let’s get cleaned up before they get here,” or “Let’s get cleaned up for church.” Perhaps they used to go out on the weekends or bathe on Saturday night, tell them “Let’s get cleaned up, it’s Saturday night.” For all they know every day is Saturday. Or gift wrap one of their favorite, clean outfits and leave it on their pillow for them to find. Who doesn’t love presents? They will be in a good mood. They may want to change into the “new outfit” and you can run the victory load through the washer. Yay victory load.
By the same token, if you’re really good, you put the freshly cleaned outfit back in the same box. Tell them you need help wrapping a present for a friend without showing them what’s in the box. Then have them wrap it the night before as a distraction technique for Sundowners. It doesn’t matter if the wrapping job is crappy. They will feel empowered for helping you. Sounds like a recipe for a good behavior evening. Woohoo! Then leave it on their pillow for the next time you need them to change clothes. Clever you!
Survival Tip
When they wear the same outfit everyday, if you don’t like the clothes they are wearing, or it is not something you ever saw them wear when you were growing up, or it becomes slightly worn, don’t throw it away. They won’t forget about their favorite clothes right away. And you pay the price when they become agitated and pitch a fit. Then they accuse you of stealing it and they throw the new outfit at you along with anything else they can grab at the time.
Keep one or two or six duplicate (or similar) outfits or favorite object(s) on hand because clothes and objects will go rambling overnight. You may not be able to find the missing articles right away. Therefore, when you suddenly find the missing (spare) clothing you look like the hero. And you won’t be late for work or the doctor’s appointment or your much-needed date with self-care. . . .
Keep in mind that if one method doesn’t work, keep trying until you find what works for them. What works now will change over time as the dementia worsens. Fortunately, because of the way dementia works, you are allowed lots of do-overs until you get it right. Be sure to share what works with the rest of the family and other caregivers so they can do it too. Then everyone is happy. Yay happy.
As the farmer said, “Good or bad, hard to say.”
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Tracy Cram Perkins is a dementia caregiving survivor and blogger. Her twelve-plus-years of experience caregiving for two parents with dementia provided the nucleus of Dementia Home Care: How to Prepare Before, During, and After. She experienced the depression, anxiety, and guilt which comes with dementia care and recognized each person’s journey with dementia follows a different path. This guide grew from the questions presented by family members and friends overwhelmed by caregiving challenges and the frustration of not being able to find caregivers hands-on answers in one book.
Tracy believes that the sound of our laughter and the memories we create with others are the most important things we leave behind. She believes laughter is an important part of the caregiving equation.
According to Tracy, the Surgeon General’s warning for laughter could read, “Warning, laughter produces chemicals known to the State of California to be cathartic and to make you feel better. Other states of mind may follow.”